I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
