i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
