I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
