I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Randomize
