Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
i now understand why vodka
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
