He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
