I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize