That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
