i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
