my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
