Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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