So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
