I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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