well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
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