Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
