we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
