Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
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