The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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