Redeem this text for a blowjob
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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