I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
