Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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