Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
