So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
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