Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize