I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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