either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
