she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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