Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
