She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
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