My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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