I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Randomize
