If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
