I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
So many bounce houses so little time
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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