I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
