Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I will die if light touches me.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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