I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
