Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Randomize
