a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
