i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Randomize
