i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
You don't make any sense
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