Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
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