Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Randomize
