Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
