we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
