i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
