remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
