I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
