I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
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