I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
