Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Randomize
