If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
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