I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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