every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
She tied me up with her honor cords...
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
