I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
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