I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
